figment of a shadow

i haven’t written a post in forever.

so much has changed since my last post. i have no heart to rejoice in this particular change. but change is usually for the better.

i read my blog posts all over again. i am very surprised and utterly amazed and what i wrote a year ago. it seems so soothing to read, like a new fresh understanding and comprehension of who i was, and who i am.

i remember the post i wrote on spelling bee. it reminds me most of you. it was the time when you sacrificed so much for me. countless nights awake, over the phone, just testing me. thank you. haha and the posts i see that were meant for you, pictures, words…all saying the same thing which  i can’t say anymore. i specifically recall an instance where one of your schoolmates saw it on a desktop in the school computer lab and teased you because of it and its blatant content.

and then there are the posts that were password protected, of which the passwords, i have all forgotten but i can still access because i have admin rights. (sadistic laughter? not this time). all the times i asked you to decide. fought about trivial matters, all the small things which i said mattered to me. and i realised you did sacrifice as well. and i was wrong to say that you never did. you always have and are still doing so, but i am blind to it because of my self prolonged depression.

well now i have no time for blogs. council, studies…they are my life. i would love to revisit this blog, something that was so enjoyable in the past, but even if i do, the posts would have very little thought-provoking messages, but just posts overflowing with emotion.

times have changed. things have changed. we all have changed.

i no longer can reproduce what i wrote in the past, possibliy borne of pure inspiration. it is not because i have deteriorated as a writer, or lack the cognitive ability to put audacious words next to each other to in feeble but sometimes brilliant attempts at defining my thoughts. ironically my last sentence would have proven myself accurate. but it is because i have lost my love for writing. lost my inspiration. lost all that lifted my spirits and catalysed my will to write. i have only raw emotion to share. emotion that has overwhelmed my mind, overrided my logic and simply taken over my life. so if i were to continue blogging, it’ll be highly emotive, and i will not be proud of it.

i am just a figment of a shadow.

alex

~ by siphon on January 25, 2009.