past 2 days

i missed you

the curse of history;being special

its a curse sometimes to be that one that is abit more special even though i’m not supposed to be now. but in many ways, i still am. its confusing sometimes. how i’m not special anymore, but still special. it doesn’t make sense, but it is reality.

i’m rarely acknowledged, what i do always seems less impactful than others. others seem to make a difference in your life, and you rave to me abt them and tell everyone how meaningful their words are. and all this while, i’ve been doing the exact same thing. just that you’re so used to me, its not special to you anymore.

i’m taken for granted, and mostly unoticed. but i’m ok with being behind the scenes, doing what i always have been doing. its just a shame sometimes that it takes either others or myself to point it out. and it is especially painful for me, but you don’t notice it too. now i’m just numb cos i’m so damn used to it.

i’m underappreciated. some things seem to touch your heart, but only if it wasn’t me. because i’m me, and you can’t see me as anything more than me, cos you’ve seen too much of me. and its very obvious, cos when others do it, you say its so sweet, when i did it, you said you wanted me to stop cos it was getting annoying. it was embarrassing. and i felt so damn rejected. even though all i wanted to do was make you happy. again you don’t see that, which is the exact repetive pattern. funny also how you say my brother dances like me, and you say he dances well. but you’ve never said anything to compliment me at all. such is the reality i have accepted. that to get a compliment from you, others must say it first for you to finally agree.

its hilarious actually. i find it very funny actually, and i stare at the truth and just laugh with tears in my eyes. i was special. but because i was special for so long, it wasn’t that special anymore, so i get special treatment. this special treatment is being blind to what i do. this special treament is treating me like i’m not there. funny isnt it. if i wasn’t special, i wouldn’t get this special treatment, which isn’t treating me like i’m special at all. its so hilarious. hilarious like when i sit at the staircase and laugh with tears in my eyes at how an ordinary, dusty, mundane staircase could have so many memories.

its a curse. but its a curse i willingly take. cos to me, its worth it.
again, you don’t see that i willingly take this curse, and just carry on as if i can continue to take it everyday. well i can. good for you.

i can never be an ordinary friend, i will always be special to you.
you, don’t even see that either.

u’ll find the guy. someone u can connect with. someone who is always there for u, who will make u laugh, listen to you, be with u through thick and thin. a guy who u want to talk to late at night before u sleep. u’ll find your guy”

i wonder why in the world you need such advice. why in the world you need to look. why in the world you have to think who this might be. why in the world you need to hope its me. because i friigin already am. i’ve always been right here, unoticed most of the time.

i overlook everything you put me through. well its simple. its 3 simple words that you know so well. and its not “i don’t know”

the little things

You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with.
I am lucky to have someone that makes saying goodbye so hard.
I like her because she smiles at me and means it,
and I felt it shelter to speak to her.

up and up

Yesterday was not quite what it could’ve been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today, with every breath I’m breathing in
I’ll be trying to make it so much more

‘Cause it seems I get so hung up on the history of what’s gone wrong
And the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see
But I’m finally catching on to it, yeah, the past is just a conduit
And the light, there at the end is where I’ll be

‘Cause I’m on the up and up, I’m on the up and up
And I haven’t given up, given up on what I know I’m capable of
Yeah, I’m on the up and up and yeah, there’s nothing left to prove
‘Cause I’m just trying to be a better version of me for you
A better version of me for you

Now i have, all that i could ever need
The confidence of knowing there’s still time
To make amends, and try to build a better me
and to take the right steps as this road unwinds.

But I’m finally catching on to it and yeah,
the past is just a conduit
And the light, there at the end is where I’ll be

Oh, ’cause I’m on the up and up, I’m on the up and up
And I haven’t given up, given up on what I know I’m capable of
Yeah, I’m on the up and up and yeah, there’s nothing left to prove
‘Cause I’m just trying to be a better version of me for you
A better version of me for you

Never cease to supply me with what I need for a good life
So when I’m down, I’ll hold my head up high
‘Cause you’re the reason why, yeah, you’re why

I’m on the up and up, I’m on the up and up
And I haven’t given up, given up on what I know I’m capable of
Yeah, I’m on the up and up, so yeah, there’s nothing left to prove
‘Cause I’m just trying to be a better version of me for you
I’m just trying to be a better version of me for you

Relient K – Up and Up

A few days without my blue book, and its already been quite hard. it was such an important outlet for me to say 6 very important words that sum up all i am right now. but it held me back, and i am slowly getting better. i am, because of 4 words every morning and night, because of your voice every day, because of your smiles and happy faces, because of your bright turqoise bag i see all the time, because of econs tuition i give to you, because of everything that is now, and everything that will be…

” Do what you can, for who you can, with what you have, and where you are.”

Protected: how. and why

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donner un bisous

14/3/07

I, in abeyance
stationary with restraint.
You, visionary of imagination,
perfection had to be patient.

plans drawn, hands prepared,
but held back expectantly.
excitement and anticipation,
perfection had to be patient.

naked feet, wet shirts,
elegant shoulders exposed to the sun,
awaiting the horizon set,
perfection had to be patient.

a drop of cold, and many
light and yet heavy,
their touch delicate and sensitive,
perfection had to be patient.

nervous with expectancy,
pulse governed by impulse.
erratic within, but calm as snow,
a taste of perfection that had been patient.

If

If I could have just one wish,
I would wish to wake up everyday
to the sound of your breath on my neck,
the warmth of your lips on my cheek,
the touch of your fingers on my skin,
and the feel of your heart beating with mine.
Knowing that I could never find that feeling
with anyone other than you.

Love is like a mountain,
hard to climb,
but once you get to the top
the view is beautiful.

To the world you are one person,
but to one person you are the world

I wrote your name in the sky,
but the wind blew it away.
I wrote your name in the sand,
but the waves washed it away.
I wrote your name in my heart,
and forever it will stay.

If only there was no If

mejor amigo

to my bestie.

wordplay: a literary technique in which the words that are used become the main subject of the work. a manipulation of definitions. here is an example. definitions have been taken from various dictionaries.

a friend is a favoured companion.

a companion is a treasured partner,
that can communicate delicately and indirectly.
what more a favoured companion?

a partner is an intimate friend,
one that is attached to another by affection or esteem,
marked by a warm friendship developing through long association.
what more a treasured partner?

if a friend is all this, what more an intimate friend.

intimacy is not what everyone thinks it is.
it isn’t an action. it has little relation or no relation to intercourse.

intimacy is the perfect characterization of one’s deepest nature
intimacy is familiarity. informal warmth with the absence of ceremony.
intimacy appropriates the ordinary and the casual.
it is to be intrinsic in nature, and essential to its being,
to the extent that intimate actions are nothing out of the ordinary.

an intimate friend is a confidant.

if a friend is a :
favoured companion; a treasured partner; an intimate friend; a confidant
what more is a best friend?

a best friend cannot be defined by mere words.
it cannot be limited by language.
a best friend is you.
i am lucky to have a best friend.

to us,
cheers.

trend

i see many people following.

its interesting to just observe how people act, interact and react in a group. social interaction and behaviour is one thing i find thoroughly intriguing. i must take up a course on that someday.

i believe trends are deliberate but indirect advocacy. starters of trends advocate the support of others to bring the security and assurance of agreement to their cause/belief. and many fall prey.

far too many people are following. and sometimes, its awfully obvious that these people don’t really know what they want. so if others want something, they want it too. just because someone else wants it. sounds singaporean huh.  such a shame. to not know what you really want. and just follow.

i see many people following.
too many people following.

hallelujah

I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth,
the minor fall, the major lift,
the baffled king composing Hallelujah.

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof,
you saw her bathing on the roof,
her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you.
She tied you to a kitchen chair,
she broke your throne, she cut your hair,
and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah.

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Maybe I have been here before,
I know this room; I have walked this floor,
I used to live alone before I knew you
I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch,
love is not a victory march,
it’s a cold and its a broken Hallelujah.

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
whats really going on below,
but now you never show it to me, do you?
Remember when I moved in you;
the holy dark was moving too,
and every breath we drew was Hallelujah.

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Maybe there’s a God above,
and all I ever learned from love
was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you.
And its not a cry you can hear at night,
its not somebody who’s seen the light,
its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah.

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

still motion picture

should i give up, or should i just keep on chasing pavements, even if it leads no where

misery index

Misery is a state of suffering and want that is the result of poverty or affliction. Synonymous with the word distress which is from Middle English destresse, from Anglo-French destresce, from Vulgar Latin *districtia, from Latin districtus, past participle of distringere. Distress it self means the seizure and detention of the goods of another as pledge or to obtain satisfaction of a claim by the sale of the goods seized, with specific reference to 13th century trading ships, hence the phrase “a ship in distress”. Definitions…precision that is overrated and absent of an emotive touch. Misery, a word associated with an emotional state, yet all its definitions are all related to wealth, or more precisely, the lack of it, and the loss of it.

It is my theory that the definitions are too strict, conforming to a pattern, standard, or convention. in direct conflict to my personality, and thus is  absolute blasphemy (spot the pun). Products of overly educated scholars who have been institutionalised into a single line of thought. another word next to it completely alters its defintion, rendering it inaccurate. and it is quite funny, maybe hilarious…our attempts at defining the world around us.

obviously the tree of the knowledge of good and evil didn’t have enough knowledge for all of us, the pride of evolution and the pinnacle of theoretical understanding. even at the apex of the tower of babel, our shortcomings are amplified and put on show, for all to mock, and at the same time, we mock ourselves.

misery index: the sum of the rate of unemployment and the rate of                                                          inflation used as an economic indicator.

funny how index and misery are words with absolutely no relation to each other, but when put together, totally transforms its combined meaning.

even economics has her way of mocking me. like i care about the rate of unemployment or the rate of inflation.

misery is utterly misunderstood.
currently, most obviously, the misery index is non-existent.

figment of a shadow

i haven’t written a post in forever.

so much has changed since my last post. i have no heart to rejoice in this particular change. but change is usually for the better.

i read my blog posts all over again. i am very surprised and utterly amazed and what i wrote a year ago. it seems so soothing to read, like a new fresh understanding and comprehension of who i was, and who i am.

i remember the post i wrote on spelling bee. it reminds me most of you. it was the time when you sacrificed so much for me. countless nights awake, over the phone, just testing me. thank you. haha and the posts i see that were meant for you, pictures, words…all saying the same thing which  i can’t say anymore. i specifically recall an instance where one of your schoolmates saw it on a desktop in the school computer lab and teased you because of it and its blatant content.

and then there are the posts that were password protected, of which the passwords, i have all forgotten but i can still access because i have admin rights. (sadistic laughter? not this time). all the times i asked you to decide. fought about trivial matters, all the small things which i said mattered to me. and i realised you did sacrifice as well. and i was wrong to say that you never did. you always have and are still doing so, but i am blind to it because of my self prolonged depression.

well now i have no time for blogs. council, studies…they are my life. i would love to revisit this blog, something that was so enjoyable in the past, but even if i do, the posts would have very little thought-provoking messages, but just posts overflowing with emotion.

times have changed. things have changed. we all have changed.

i no longer can reproduce what i wrote in the past, possibliy borne of pure inspiration. it is not because i have deteriorated as a writer, or lack the cognitive ability to put audacious words next to each other to in feeble but sometimes brilliant attempts at defining my thoughts. ironically my last sentence would have proven myself accurate. but it is because i have lost my love for writing. lost my inspiration. lost all that lifted my spirits and catalysed my will to write. i have only raw emotion to share. emotion that has overwhelmed my mind, overrided my logic and simply taken over my life. so if i were to continue blogging, it’ll be highly emotive, and i will not be proud of it.

i am just a figment of a shadow.

alex

aiya

aiya. wordpress got problem loading photos, hence the delay. thats poor!

reanudar

hi everyone. i’m finally back updating

the olevels are over and i’m back from the italy trip so if u want to see all the italy photos, well not all, then i’m going to put up 10 posts that covers everywhere we went. so be patient as photo transfer from the camera to alex’s com takes time as i’m on the waiting list with my sister at the top and my mum next so i might have to wait for some time BUT…i should get them soon!!!! glad to be back everyone!

reanudar
alex

into the west

Lay Down
Your sweet and weary head
Night is falling
You’ve come to journey’s end
Sleep now
And dream of the ones who came before
They are calling
From across the distant shore

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see
All of your fears will pass away
Safe in my arms
You’re only sleeping

What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home

And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
All souls pass

Hope fades
Into the world of night
Through shadows falling
Out of memory and time
Don’t say: “We have come now to the end”
White shores are calling
You and I will meet again

And you’ll be here in my arms
Just sleeping

And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
Grey ships pass
Into the West

gustare

i went blog hopping which i usually don’t because of the abundance of boring blogs which are mostly random rants or senseless chatter, with the usual unreliable slap of gossip. thats why i keep the blogs i like on a special tool bar so i don’t have to hunt for a good read. congrats hannah for making my list. haha.

anyway, back to criticizing the blogs that could use vast improvements, especially because the language of communication is english, and not augmented combinations of everyday speech filled with colloquialisms. speech and writing are too different things. it irks me to see such bad standard english in singapore. its very embarrassing.

but i must say, people are finally grasping the english language and commanding some surprising vocabulary. but the content is very much lacking. i so do detest blogs that are just complains, i want to read about the solution, not wallow along in the mud with the rest of the lazy pigs. i like a blog which is profound and thought-provoking…not mind-boggling, there’s a difference.
so many blogs…

the everyday, reporting on daily happenings and current status, open book diary kind of blog. entertaining if the person is not boring. disgusting if the person is emo. but i welcome pictures because it doesn’t involve english words. the most common type of blogs, but its too common. too many chefs spoil the broth.

the i can’t be bothered to blog blog. last update: yesterday’s yesterday’s yesterday’s yesterday’s yesterday’s yesterday’s yesterday’s yesterday’s yesterday’s yesterday’s…

the freakishly colourful and booming music. all visuals…no content

the i hate singapore blog. this one i like. but sadly the bloggers are currently all in jail.

the i hate the blogging restrictions cos i cannot hate singapore blog. a pirated version of the i hate singapore blog. btw, piracy is still a crime. all you bloody pirate lords. i know you just love pirates of the Caribbean, and you have the pirated cd because you downloaded it and burnt it yourseld. malaysia too far.

for lack of time, i think i shall just elaborate on one more type of blog. the worst and absolutely disgusing type: the try to act profound and sophiscated type of blog. the ones that are so transparent behind those big 5-syllable words which doesn’t fit in the sentence. the chagrin that accompanies the bullshit. its just utterly, overwhelmingly disgusting.

luckily, i still have my list of readable blogs, which is getting shorter and shorter.

snakes and ladders

what a wonderful code


all the guys will win. unless they are depressed.
and the girls will have to be seriously turned on.
caution before playing.

a windfall

a lucky find; a windfall

its finally over. after months of hard work, i finally can taste the $1000!! haha. and of course my horrible picture in the hall of fame. haha.

the entire spelling bee thingy(for lack of better word) has been quite crazy. but it really brought me back to the times when as boys, we’d joke around and search for dirty or highly suggestive, provocative words in the dictionary, just to have a good laugh, even though we knew the meanings inside out. its just fascinating how stupid i was, looking up definitions of reproductive organs and swear words like fu** that is abused in more ways than one. oh the primary school days as we just set out on our journey to find the missing 4 letter words that would complete our vocabulary. but back to spelling bee, it seems that this mischievous and cheeky boy of the past is still very present and it always so much easier to remember words with connotative meanings such as whoreson…which most stupendously means: a son of a whore.

or the word cocotte which has 2 meanings:
a) prostitute
b)a shallow individual baking dish usually with one or two handles

well actually if you think about it, a shallow dish with 1 or 2 handles does kinda describe a prostitute…unless its a male prostitute of a gigolo…then maybe not.

or take the word detumescence for example. it looks like a mouthful but it was very easy to memorize simply because its meaning had something to do with erections. last year, the definition was : medical term used to describe gradual reduction in swelling especially in the penis. but this year, the definition is: subsidence from swelling. or figuratively, from tumult. bless the soul who saved the pronouncer from people like me who would not hesitate to ask for the definition which the poor pronouncer would then have to recite with as much sophistication and fluency as she/he could possible muster while thinking at the back of his/her head what the proper pronunciation of penis is.

my winning word was french word and i was so nervous i almost forgot whether it had 2 “l”s or 1. but luckily for me, trouvaille really means a lucky find, or a windfall.

but the most important effect of being champion and of course being a $1000 richer(not yet), is that you know your true friends from those who are just looking for selfish benefit through superficial acquaintance. those who rushed to me for treats would find themselves politely refused but there were a few who supported me all the way, and congratulated me behind the scenes instead of up front, without hinting a treat at all. people like zhi hao, who said that i worked really hard for it and deserve every cent. and pat, tiff, vanessa…and many more who didn’t pressure me for a single cent. and chuan yu who stands by me as if he’s my bodyguard. haha. well thank you to you all who tested me even though it was embarrassing to pronounce the words wrongly(especially chuan yu).

lessons from the past and present, all found in a 2600 word list that i will nvr use anyway…

sally, chuan yu and i are going to marina bay for a whopping day of shopping!!

a boy and a girl

This boy wants to play,
wants to play so hard.
There’s no time left today,
it’s a shame ’cause he has to go home.

This boy’s got to work,
Got to sweat just to pay,
what he gets to get left all alone.
what he gets to get love on a loan.

Well let’s step outside,
Let’s go for a ride,
Just for a while.
Relive love.

No we won’t get caught,
Well that’s what I thought,
until we cry
ourselves to sleep.

I’m still here,
But it hasn’t been easy,
I’m sure that you had your reasons,
reasons meant to appease.

I’m scared for this emotion,
For years I’ve been holding it down,
I’m scared of this emotion,
I can’t hold it down anymore.

This girl tries her best everyday,
tries so hard to be her best.
But it’s all gone to waste
because there’s no one around,

This girl she can draw she can paint,
Likes to dance, loves to sing
she can skate, she’s a saint
now she don’t make a sound.

We’ll play in our park,
‘Till it’s too dark for us to see
Well we’ll make our way home,
With mud on our clothes,
and grass in our hair.

She won’t be pleased.
He will be pissed.

I’m still here,
But it hasn’t been easy,
I’m sure that you had your reasons,
reasons for holding the leash

I’m scared for this emotion,
For years I’ve been holding it down.
I’m scared of this emotion,
I can’t hold it down anymore.

And I,
Love to forgive
and forget.

So I,
Try to put all this
behind us.

Just,
Know that my arms
are wide open,

The older I get,
the more that I know,
the more i love.

Well it’s time to let this go.
I got to let it go
I got to let it go
I got to let it go
I got to let it go…

I’m still here,
But it hasn’ been easy,
I’m sure that you had your reasons,
reasons for tearing the peace.

I’m scared for this emotion,
For years I’ve been holding it down.
I’m scared of this emotion,
I can’t hold it down anymore.

This boy is free
free to flee.

This girl is lost,
lost to be found.

We’ll meet in our heart,
dinner’s too dark for us to see.

blank

sorry all. i haven’t been updating due to lack of time(well not really) and lack of internet.
updates after erm….olevels? haha

a thousand valentines

keith you can be my valentine.
but i have to be the girl.
and you have to treat me lan and movie.
and maybe flowers.

subterfuge

he deceived by artifice and stragem
in order to conceal, esacape and evade
he remains in subterfuge. snigger.

swallowed in the sea

and i could write it down
or spread it all around
get lost and then get found
or swallowed in the sea

forever

whisper my own love song

i’ll live all my days
to put a smile on your face
and when we finally meet,
it’ll be for eternity

and how wide you open up your arms
when i need your love
and how far you would come
if ever i was lost
and all i feel for you
is undying love

i love you
forever i will sing
forever i will be with you

i took this from a more obscure song.
funny how the lyrics can easily mean something else

alterado

sometimes the people you love the most
end up being the one’s that hurt you the most.

fuerza

an entangling complication,
she chose to confront.
rheumatic

to defy the orbit of the planet,
satellites meander
ecliptic

a point
a line
a surface

the vibratory motion,
at the amplitude of zero
wave like form

subsidiary parts originate and converge
curves intersect and relate
the manner decides the tangents of the branches

the point farthest from the base figure,
terminates its existence.
vertex

freedom is relative
some people take it by force, only to lose it
some people serve for it, but find injustice
some people claim it, and convict themselves

fuerza.
lost herself.

east coast

some things never change

jean grey. mystique. i have no idea who loy is

larger than life

chem

peter pls kick daniel lau’s balls.

chem rocks

run

 

I’ll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You’ve been the only thing that’s right
In all I’ve done

And i can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we’ll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I’ll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we’ll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can’t raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I’ll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we’ll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can’t raise your voice to say

Slower slower
We don’t have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We’re bound to be afraid
Even if it’s just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I’ll be right beside you dear